A Time to Kill

It seems like I never speak/study a topic without the Lord providing a way for me to learn in life as well. This week has been a study in how words spoken to others and about others (behind their back) and unresolved conflict WILL kill a relationship as sure as any bullet or knife.

We think of words as so dispensable- I heard of a girl that I know this morning sending over 10,000 texts in a single month- but they are not. There is a crossover between the physical and meta-physical when a word is spoken because it can never be taken back or changed- it is as safe in the past as the Revolutionary War and the Great Depression. Forever it will change the stream of life (think The Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher).

Even with that said though it doesn't really hit home for many of us until we think of those words- you know the ones, that time your best friend betrayed you with gossip, the time your dad criticized you, the time your spouse ripped into your soul- and then we know what Jesus was talking about in Matt. 5. Words kill. We understand because we were killed.

... all that said, however, from Exodus 32, we see that there are times when killing is called for and even called "righteous" and "holy"... so what does that mean for our words.

In Exodus the tribe of Levi goes and slaughters 3,000 who had bowed their knee to the golden calf. For us, and our world of words (and less swords, knives, and guns), we must weigh words carefully but also know when to employ those "sword words".

When someone so steps out of line, so abuses someone/something else, we need to cut through them like the Levites, telling the truth- however ugly and difficult it may be- in order to bring righteousness back into the camp of God.

So, here is to swords and words, may they be used with the greatest of caution and sense of honor. Si vis pacem para bellum.

Quick Quiz on Whether or Not YOU Could Be a Congressman/Woman

A survey/quiz to see if you are smarter than or, at least, up to speed on recent news:

1. Do chimps make good pets?

2. Even if they do, should you give them Xanax?

3. Where does the government get their money?

4. ... therefore, if they give money away, who is technically paying for it?

5. Should you buy a home that you cannot afford?

6. If you cannot afford said home, what happens?

Anwers: 1. No; 2. No; 3. Taxpayers and business (they earn none of it); 4. Same as #4; 5. No; 6. The bank repossess it, a bailout happens, the irresponsible get the home back;

Note: This is not a political bias. It is an exercise in cause/effect and if words mean anything. It's not so much what people say that bothers me, it is when their "yes" does not mean "yes" and/or they are not intelligent enough to figure out that an animal that can lift 200 lb.s with each arm and is prone to aggression may not make the best of pets.

The Tired Run the World

"How ya' doin'?"
"Tired", comes the reply.

How many times throughout your week and year do you have this, albeit brief, but honest conversation? My father is fond of telling me that, "Tired people run the world."- his not-so-subtle way of telling me that I need to shut up and work harder.

And maybe for some that is true but I think that many of us are stressed out at work (putting in more than 40 hours and thoughts of it occupying us well into our home lives), trying to balance our family time, hauling kids around, and trying to occasional spend time with that person sharing our bed. Truth is, it all feels like work sometimes. It all feels coordinated, scheduled and laborious.

I, for one, want to stop. Even the 10 Commandments tell us that we are supposed to have a day off during the week. Given that 3 of the major world religions supposedly subscribe to this code its a pretty ecumenical barometer of spiritual health... and we take MOST of them seriously. We haven't killed anyone, slept with anyone's wife, built an idol to worship in the backyard- but rest seems like a suggestion. Like, "Why don't you take a break?"

But it is listed as an imperative, a Top Ten, something that is "holy" and set apart "to God". The truth is many of us will not get a two-day weekend that is hassle free but here are some steps towards planning your "holy day" off:

1. Leave work at the office (physically and mentally)
2. Do not take work calls/texts/e-mails (ideally, turn off your phone)
3. Plan time with people who fill you up spiritually and emotionally (and are not draining)
4. Do a couple of things just for you (take a walk, go for coffee, read a book, enjoy an album)
5. Play time with your kids/wife/husband/significant other (they need you relaxed to enjoy you)
6. Journal/reflect quietly. If only for 20-30 minutes, this time can really put some problems in perspective and let your spirit tune into the divine. When was the last time you had a spiritual epiphany while talking on your bluetooth, stuck in traffic?

God wants to talk to all of us and knows that without rest we don't function well. Sometimes, when I think about Him as a Dad, I think, He probably thinks of me like I do my kids when I know they are tired but won't go to bed.

Now, go take a day off. The tired will run the world while you rest.

Talking Too Much

The older I get the more I want to do and the less I want to say. That said... I will be launching a "sub-blog" in the next weeks. It will be a series of short and semi-short fictional stories. And while I know that there are a few people reading these posts but not commenting I am hoping that should you choose to be a reader of this upcoming blog that you would comment, observe, and help correct thinking, style, story, etc. as a way for us to help each other grow.

FYI, as usual, it will be a bit off the beaten path. Look for it in the next week or two under my home page or on my facebook account.

The Idols Under My Skin

The other day was frustrating... Sarah (my wife) had a lot of work to do, our kids were sick (Eva spent a couple of nights in the hospital), and I had work piling up around me and was in a REALLY good mood (that is blogger sarcasm). Basically, I was grumpy with everyone and finally Sarah sat me down and said, "What's wrong?" And I started talking and a whole bunch of stuff spilled out that I did not even know was bothering me but was festering in my subconscious.

Then Eva went to the hospital for walking pneumonia and I spent the week running my son around, trying to accomplish SOME work, updating concerned friends/grandparents/everyone as to Eva's status. I know I ate and slept but don't remember much- it's kind of hazy.

During all of this (relatively) minor disaster I thought to myself just how big stuff becomes little and little stuff becomes big... that is until you get whacked with something like this. We piss and moan about how we want/need more money, better job, different spouse (other people, not me), how annoying school/job/home is, and how we want _____________. But that blank is, almost certainly, a "little" thing- but that little thing now occupies a lot of brain space as we contemplate how to improve or change or eliminate that thing.

The past few days I have not watched movies, played video games, eaten healthy, gone to the gym, read much, or spent time with a lot of people who are directly seeking me out- all things that I try to do when life is going well.

However, the "big" stuff shrinks in size when life is well: we neglect family (at times), watch stuff we should not, read meaningless magazines, kill hours at malls/coffee shops/bars, we play video games and worry about people's opinions of our lives (most of whom are not that involved with us). We forget to call that friend back or tell people we love them because our minds are busy with all of that "important" little stuff.

I think this is why, as Americans, we can be the most guilty of idolatry. Our lives are good. We have free time. Expendable money (well, some of us). So the little stuff grows in importance while the big stuff shrinks.

My daughter can make me crazy: she is wound up, noisy, can pester me and her mother, and needs a lot of attention so she can seem draining. But when push came to shove that 30lb. little girl taking an ambulance trip reminded me of big an little... and just how big she needs to be.

What Comes First

It's true, God didn't write the Bible- at least not in the sense that He did not heft a great and holy pen and script verbatim what we see to this day. The writers of the Scriptures were entirely and wholly (and holy) inspired by God to write what they did but God Himself we only see write on two occasions: the first being the first of the Ten Commandments; the second would be Jesus writing in the sand as an adulteress is about to be stoned.

When you stop to think about it, the fact that God wrote IN STONE with his finger is pretty wild so as I am taking time to really read those famous Ten, I felt a little guilty about my first thought after about verse 8, I thought, "Man, God is kind of repeating Himself because the Second Commandment just seems to repeat the first." So I kept reading for a few chapters and went back and re-reread chapter 30 of Exodus and then it hit me (I can be slow so forgive me): God's First Commandment is not a rule, it is a choice in paradigm, stating, "You will have no other gods, only me" (The Message translation).

God is saying to us that we should read the rest of these Commandments, listen to them, follow them- but they are not the point. They are not the point anymore than it is the point of marriage to not commit adultery or the point of being a parent is to not beat your child. The point is love. If you love your spouse you will, by default, not commit adultery and if you love your child you will not beat them. Love dictates this, inspires this, lifts our hearts to the point where we don't have to be told HOW to love only inspired to love better.

So again, the First Commandment is not a rule but a choice between legalism and relational love with God. Between outward masks of piety and honest confessions that none are righteous and that we all need God because we are not going to make it on our own.

John, in his biography of Jesus, tells us that Jesus said, "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness... will be added..." The searching, longing, finding of the Kingdom is first in the list, righteous comes as a natural by-product of love, not as a prerequisite of a relationship with God or event to attend church.

Recently I was having a conversation with someone who had just become a Christ-follower during one of CRUX services and we sat after our Tuesday discussion group and they said to me, "I am just afraid of telling people what has gone on in my life- they would just be too shocked."

I replied, "If you looked around this room (there was a large gathering of us) and could have seen everyone's baggage you would have seen rape victims, recovering alcoholics, porn-addicts, drug-abusers, miscarriages, abortions, and attempted suicides- there is not a lot we haven't dealt with here."

They said, "I guess my view of Christians has been really wrong."

I guess so, but why? Because as the church we (generally speaking) have not practiced the discipline and necessity of honest and brutal confession so as we do enter into a real love of God the transformation that takes place within our hearts is so private that no one is inspired by the change. We learned to wear a well constructed mask whether we grew up in church or came in later: we pretended to know what words like "righteous", "worship", "redeemed", and "holy" meant and then pretended that we did not curse, fool around with our boy/girlfriend, smoke, party, drink, watch R-rated movies, or look at pornography. Those were some good looking masks.

And when some unfortunate member of our mask-wearing brotherhood was caught at church or elsewhere without his mask (or it just slipped off) we were quick to denounce him or her. Given this, are we honestly surprised that the church has been said to be "full of hypocrites"?

God knew this and so gave us the First Commandment, "No other gods, only me". Only your spouse, only your child, only your best friend. Only a unique and amazing love that would inspire, draw, and lift you to where you only wanted to be close to a God that so wanted to be close for you He paid a debt you could not.

The heart of the following nine Commandments lies in how we choose in the First one. Legalism or relationship? Rules or love? That is the lens with which we see the world.

Don't buy it? When is the next time we see God write? When a woman is caught in the act of breaking one of the Ten Commandments, what does Jesus do? An act of love.

The LD

Some REALLY cool things have been happening within our community for the past several weeks: Crux on Sunday nights has had amazing music and we are doing a sweet series on God's Top10; we had Micah Kephart from Reach4Life in to promote a benefit concert (we raised over $1000) and 5 bands came into to play for FREE; and then our discussion group on Tuesday nights, which has been meeting at my house, has been blowing UP with people coming out to talk and hang-out. So I decided to post a few pictures so people could see what is going on. Here you go.

Dark Comedy: Disturbia Redux

So I ran into an old friend on facebook... and thought I was happy to see him. Then he posted this. So if I go missing, now you all know why. Just kidding, he was a cop and we did a lot of really stupid stuff back in the day and if anyone else sent me this I might cry. If you don't feel like following the link then just watch it below.

Meeting God on a Run

When I was only in 4th or 5th grade we went on our yearly vacation to Sarasota, FL. One morning I was happily playing in the sand with my brother Christopher when my happiness was shattered by my shirtless father jogging over to us and telling us to go get our shoes: we were going for a run. So we went, grumbling, and put our shoes on and proceeded to huff, puff, and whine for two miles on the sand.

Yesterday, for the billionth time, I met my dad at the local gym and then ran and lifted until I was gasping. I had a blast.

This friend of mine named Kenny keeps telling me that our job as Christ-followers is to tell people about God's personality- to talk about Him in a way that conveys to people that we know Him (as best one can know God). This is fascinating to me, to read the pray, engage others, and read in way that is a pursuit of understanding God better so that we can better complete our meaning in life.

This "knowing of" of God is not a checklist anymore than me being friends with someone. Being with someone means just that: being WITH them. It may include time alone with that person, going to a movie, out to eat, going to each other's homes, watching shows together, giving each other books or whatever else you may do. But you aren't taking perpetual gauges on how many movies you have seen with them or how many hours you have talked with them- that would seem like you are "cheapening" the relationship to checks on a list.

So when we are not spending time with God in conversation or engaging in a faith community or reading Scripture we shouldn't feel guilty about THOSE things... instead what we should do is evaluate why our relationship, knowledge, and love of God is not driving, inspiring, and making us WANT to do those things.

The reason I went on that first run was out of fear/respect of my father: I didn't want to and it was uncomfortable as I had anticipated. But after years of seeing positive results both in my physical body, mental happiness, and in my relationships with workout partners I have realized how much joy has been brought to my life by that initial discomfort.

God is like that. We may not enjoy the run at first, we will huff, puff, and whine... and years later look back with a grin.

Poaching Wild Animals

The holidays, as always, had some enjoyable and some stressful moments in them. As the years have passed it seems more and more difficult to really come up with things you want for Christmas. It's not that you don't want stuff it's just if you really want something as an adult you go buy it... so the presents have gotten smaller in some ways but more significant. The same is true for the adults in my life- I know they can buy their own things so the things that I get for them tend to be more significant than expensive.

Really though, what I want more and more of, is quality time with the people in my life. I want coffee breaks, meals, movies, and events with them. I want to experience the life in the best and worst times, making memories with them and loving them when it is difficult and when it is easy. I desire this because family is like this and so I think true friendships are born the same way.

What I mean is that families are dysfunctional. All of them. In some way. And what makes a family great is their ability to talk through issues and not just bury them. There have been family get togethers where I could barely walk because of all the elephants seated in the room- those elephants being the secrets and issues that everyone has but no one is willing to either try and fix or even acknowledge.

There are two parts of the Bible that always come to mind as I think of relationships: the first is when Jesus is talking to a group and tells them if they have "somethings against their brother" they need to leave their sacrifice right there and go make it right; next is Romans, chapter 14, the Message translation says that correcting other believers "behavior" at the table of God is terribly rude.

The reason I pause in my mind at these two places is that in the new year I've determined to be better relationally and to do that I either need to fix issues faster (you know, maybe actually apply Jesus to my life :-) or get over it and tell my mind to shut up. The older I get the more I find not only that I want love people more but that to truly live as Christ has called us that I need to love people more.

May your community be a rich one... and best of luck if you decide to join me in hunting elephants.

Movies, Books, and Media

Recently I was telling a fledgling high school freshman of ninth grade trials as a way of relating to him that each season of life passes... and for many of us we are only too glad that junior high and high school fall into the "passed" (or is it "past") category.

Over the years I have found reading and movie watching to be escapes for my brain- the stories filter themselves into my present and past circumstances and have helped me- maybe not solve problems a great deal- but at the very least to view my own world differently. Freshman year was probably defined by Ender's Game a novel by Orson Scott Card.

In the past weeks it feels as if there is barely enough time to me to take in as much as I usually attempt to but I did want to share a bit of the book I am currently reading (as usually, I put this book off because so many people told me to read it): The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. Manning was a Catholic priest for years who began writing and speaking even then but fell into a habit and addiction of alcohol. After submitting to the recovery process, he re-entered spiritual life but not the life of a priest- describing himself as a "vagabond evangelist". He writes this in his opening chapter:

"Because salvation is by grace through faith, I believe that among the countless number of people standing in front of the throne and in front of the Lamb, dressed in white robes and holding their palms to their hands (see Revelation 7:9), I shall see the prostitue from teh Kit-Kat Ranch in Carson City, Nevada, who tearfully told me she could find no other employment to support her two-year-old son. I shall see the woman who had an abortion and is haunted by guilt and remorse but did the best she coudl faced with grueling alternatives; the business man besieged with debt who sold his integrity in a series of desperate transactions; the insecure clergyman addicted to being liked, who never challenged his people from the pulpit and longed for unconditional love; the sexually abused teen molested by his father and now selling his body on the street, who, as he falls asleep each night after his last 'trick', whispers the name of the unknown god he learned in Sunday school; the deathbed convert who for decades had his cake and ate it, broke every law of God and man, wallowed in lust, and raped the earth.'
"But how?' we ask'
'Then the voice says, 'They have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.'
'They they are. There we are - the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life's tribulations, but through it all clung to the faith.'
'My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace."

Merry Christmas.

I Don't Go to Church

So, this last week we discussed the "church". Being from a family of pastor's kids we have heard a fair share of criticism regarding the church, boards, leaders, programs, pastors, and parishioners. You know the kind of stuff that burns people out on church and they leave, or stop caring about reaching out, or just give up and try and find a church that "fits" them... which is where we really meet our subject.

The words "church" doesn't even appear in the Bible until mid-way through the book of Matthew. The word used is "kuriake oikia" and the reason it isn't really used up and until this point is that had pagan roots. It referred to a building in which a deity was housed. What is so fascinating is that Jesus is using this word referring to the fact that HIS church would be built, not upon stone foundations, but a bedrock of truth (i.e. Peter's confession, "You are the Christ..."). It was to be built upon people who all held to that truth.

In other words when we talk about music in church, pastors in church, programs in church, etc. we are using the word entirely wrong. The church is the people in the those things not things taking place in a building. When we say it like that we are removing the truth from the statement- it is back to the original meaning of a god being in a building- and not a truth in a people.

We, as the church, need to embrace community on a new level if we are to bring meaning, purpose, and mission back into our midst and be relevant to our culture. I found this interesting definition on human community:

"In biological terms, a community is a group of interacting organisms sharing an environment. In human communities, intent, belief, resources, preferences, needs, risks, and a number of other conditions may be present and common, affecting the identity of the participants and their degree of cohesiveness."


Our community defines us, or will, or should, if we embrace it. For instance, all of us are deeply affected by our families. Whether they were like the Cleavers (Leave it to Beaver) or the we were an orphan or came from an abusive family. We had no choice what kind of home we would grow up in but we were forced into those environments and the ways in which we coped continue to affect us well into adulthood.


But once out on our own it seems we abdicate community (at least based on the definition given above). Oh, we have friends and places we meet but we don't have to negotiate daily relational interaction with very many people outside of co-workers and some family. We go home to a place we set up, decorated, and bought, attend things we want to, talk to people we want to when we want to about what we want and if any of it makes us too uncomfortable or we don't like the direction we can shut it down.


But community doesn't really affect or change us. Unlike the first church in Jerusalem or in Acts 2 we don't meet together daily and constantly share in life like they did- instead we come together for an hour or two on Sundays where we sit next to people we like- then I go back to my house, watch my shows, listen to my music, and maintain my calendar. I'm not saying this is wrong but just questioning whether or not this is the way it should be. What is it in me that makes me want so many things my way? For myself, I have only one answer: pride. The idea that life should be about me and if it isn't then I'm only do what is convenient for me.


I think back to some advice I once received: "If you want to better serve Christ- don't get married. If you want to be like Christ- get married." Because in living with another person, in raising children, in managing money, in taking holidays and vacations together it forces us to put at least one other person ahead of our own selfish desires.


What if there was a community revolution? What if we started gathering daily? What if we started taking massive vacations together? What is we started serving those of us who are struggling financially? What if we started living together as families and helping each other's families? How much would we learn about what Christ was saying about "kuriake oikia" and community? We would have to live out selflessness or fail.


It's something to think about in this season, in this economy, in this community. Peace.

Bright Shiny Paper

Maybe I spend a lot of time reflecting on life moments passed and not on what is going on right now... or maybe things happen faster now. It seems to me that the relational, church, political, and pop culture shifts so fast now that unless you make a career of it you will never be fully up-to-date.

It's been kind of a tough year. Lots of stuff has happened to me, to those around me, to things I care deeply about.

So my life, hectic as it is, is in the midst of a hectic culture. No wonder we all feel so tired... and at times, apathetic (because if we can't keep up then why does it matter?)

You know, that may just be it. For years I have thought to myself, "Wow, so-and-so really needs to let ________________ go. That just doesn't matter." All the while keeping a whole stack of stuff that was important to me but: a. shouldn't be; b. was not probably important to anyone else. Does anyone else feel like they are their own worst enemy?

So lately my heart's been a bit more open to God highlighting the issues that are real important and letting him chuck out my junk.

Christmas is a great example of this. When my kids were 1.5 they had their second Christmas... and everyone buys babies stuff even though (even as a parent of those kids) I thought it was a dang waste of presents... and was kind of right. As babies they were more interested in playing with the wrapping paper than the toy half the time.

As adults we chuck the paper and keep the "toy" (okay, I would take a PS3). But we do the opposite with our faith. We cling to the wrapping paper, the veneer, the outside stuff, and toss the heart of the thing- the reason the paper was there to begin with.

Seriously. We end up REALLY caring how seats are arranged, advent candles, music, Christmas performances, and lighting... and then treat the people in our families that junk or spend the holiday working or stop tithing to God because we racked up too much credit debt by those last minute gifts.

I hope that lately I have been focused more on the gift... and don't care even if someone chucks my wrapping paper.

The Pagan and Prophecy

When I was about 16 I attended a the "Ultimate Youth Camp" at the Lake of the Ozarks where, during one of our break-out groups I heard a Duke University Student discuss how disturbed he was to learn that some of the "Jesus story" and rituals of the church had their roots in non-Jewish or early church customs. I was probably a pretty annoying teen so afterward I went up to him and started peppering him with questions and finally ended with, "So how did you get over these things?" He simply answered, "I realized that it was just a matter of faith."

Not a satisfying answer for a young mind that wanted to know he was not wasting the years he could be partying in pursuit of a god that may not be true.

If we were to read through the Old Testament (all the books of the Bible prior to Matthew) we would find over 360 prophecies or foretellings of a "Messiah"- everything from how he would look (Isaih 53- "unpleasing") to how he would die (Psalm 22).

Feel free to cross check most/all of the prophecies here.

When critics of Christ rise up they usually fall into one of two camps: first, that Jesus' life was crammed in to fit the Old Testament prophecies and that he did not, in fact, do everything the church claims or; second, that "Jesus" is a myth and the entire story is plagiarized from other Hellenistic, Buddhist, and Jewish traditions.

Simply searching www.google.com for "Jesus", "Horus", "Osiris", "Buddha", etc. will provide one with scholarly (and not-so-scholarly) resources drawing comparisons between Jesus and any and all Messianic figures throughout history. However, while good questions are asked, the right question never gets asked: why does the story of a Messiah ring so true?

And furthermore, why does Jesus, of all the Messianic figures prior to his death, during his life, and after him still draw more people than any other?

Truth is recongnizable by the human spirit. We are hard-wired to see and understand truth in some capacity. For instance, it is true that the Hammurabi Code very closing resembles the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God in the book of Exodus (recognized by Jews, Christians, and Muslims as divinely inspired). Why is it that those rules and laws seem to transcend culture and time and ring true still? Because truth rings true.

The thing is that all truth is God's truth- whether it is found in a church, a conversation, a book, a movie, a synagogue, the mouth of a saint or a killer, or even in other religions. We are not abdicating a faith in the person and work of Jesus Christ but rather saying that the Father God that Jesus came from and was part of has been trying to get his truth across to the world for thousands of years, through thousands of stories (take for instant the story of the Great Flood that is told from Old Testament all the way to Native American stories), and thousands of teachers (even Ghandi said he really like Jesus and his teachings but couldn't get over the problems of the Christian church).

"Pagan" traditions such as Christmas (derived from the Roman "Saturnalia") and All Hallows Eve (the day before All Saints Day) should not, as either Christians or non-Christians bother us. It should show us, at the very least, the catholic church's ability (at least in the past) to be culturally relevant and sensitive and enlighten us to the fact that the Bible is the story of what God was doing at one point, in one place, with one people group- not an end all to everything He was trying to accomplish in the world during or after that period.

Satan does not have a copyright on creativity or "coolness". Anything that is good is of God. Therefore the community that comes with communion (the taking of the bread and wine) and the celebration of Christmas with family, the generosity towards neighbors and children that Halloween promotes, and beauty of Christmas trees and the sun- all that, is of God.

The only thing that Satan can do is take what is God's a pervert it: take the beauty of music and use the lyrics to rage against God, take community and bring people together for the wrong reasons, take Christmas and make it materialistic (since Saturnalia didn't work out for and it is not Christmas).

If I could I wish I could go back to that Youth Camp and tell that little, goofy, annoying Devin that just like the church took the organ, drums, rock, and bar music back from a world attempting to pervert God's good and baptized it to be their own so were some of these early practices "baptized" to speak to certain people groups and places. It is an act of faith... and love... and pragmatism... and wisdom.

God is huge, His love is big, His grace beyond understanding. He wants us all to come to the feast, everyone is invited, His truth for every people, and able to be recognized by every people, everywhere. Let's celebrate the good God has given to us.

The City Walls of Dyin' Dreams

I read through some of my old posts on my old blog... which no longer exists. I was struck by how simply I viewed the world and people on a couple of years ago and it reminded me of that song by the Wallflowers when Jacob Dylan sings, "... man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same..."

I know I "ain't" the same.

Some days I feel like my scars define me more than I define me and I don't always want that but also don't know what to do about that.

Reading through books by Donald Miller and the Post Secret books I've come to see that humanity is great and small, has great hope but is often disappointed, they want the best but so often settle for something a lot less than what they had envisioned. Life got complicated for all of us the longer it went on and now we are here.

We were told that if we pursued our dreams hard enough they would come true but that was a lie... which is probably a good thing in some cases. We would not have really wanted everything our "dreams" would have brought with them.

For those of you who knew me years ago, if I ever offended you with my black-and-white stances, I apologize- I am not saying all my stances have changed only that other angles, perspectives, and complications are now in my purview and that I did not appreciate those things before.

This is a rambling post and that's okay: 1. It's hard to get back into it (blogging); 2. I just wanted to set up some of the canvas on which this blog would be painted.

The main thing is this: I have been forced to critical decisions that have deepened my appreciation of the cost of really walking out a faith in Jesus. It isn't easy. It hurts a lot to lay yourself down... and it has been absolutely worth it.

My prayers and wishes are with all of my friends, family, and readers that they will follow their personal convictions, listening to sound council, and most of all that they will have no fear of losing the things dearest to them because all of this is nothing in comparison to knowing the King.